How I almost deconstructed my faith…

This Father’s Day, now yesterday, I found myself thinking about how good God is. This Father’s Day, I loved on my husband, and our precious son. We went to Sunday morning service and were blessed by an incredible teaching through Romans chapter 2. It was as we came to this verse, “⁴ Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?”

I remembered God’s faithfulness in my own life, a time that I did not know who He was, as in I did not know His attributes or characteristics. A time that this day caused a deep pain and suffering, a day that almost rendered me incapable of anything. Verse 4 highlights some of the characteristics of God that at that time I did not see: God’s kindness, God’s forbearance, and God’s patience.

You see, I grew up in a home where I was so aware of the brokenness of sin that I knew there had to be a good God… but I did not exactly know how to reconcile those two things.

In my home my earthly father did not love me as a father should. The hands that should have protected and nurtured instead hurt, hit, and in the darkest parts of the days and nights did even worse.

This went on for several years. As I grew up, I was able to confront the abuse and recognize the dysfunction that was present in my own life, sin is never a one and done, the ramification’s are far fetching. However, I did not have other believers in my life. The church I had been attending did not do well in teaching or leading those who had experienced deep trauma or hurt, this resulted in me being outcasted. Naturally, the secular world was ready and waiting. It was as I embarked on this therapeutic journey that I came dangerously close to redefining God and the Gospel to be what I felt safe with.

If you have experienced deep hurt or abandonement from your Father, I am so very sorry. If you have experienced this, chances are you too have wrestled with the idea of God being a man, you have probably wrestled with the idea of the Trinity, and maybe friend you still are and that is ok. Thankfully, God is so patient with us and He knows our hearts AND our hurts. It was during this phase of therapy that my therapist, who had a theology degree and identified as a christian, said ” Maybe you should view god as a spirit form, or as ANYTHING you want. God doesn’t have to be male…”

At first this prickled my ears! I mean this sounded good! It sounded EASY! But… God gently called out to me, a quiet whisper in my heart, “You know this is not true” “You were made for more, you were made for ME”.

What my therapist was suggesting… Well this was the very thing, the very tactic, that satan used in the garden with Eve… But did God really say? This tactic was effective then and remains effective today. Our current culture will have us read all the self help books and take all the personality tests, we are eager to do this even! But what if… the best measure of knowing who we are is to know WHO God is? You see I had a big problem with trying to make God more like me, when in reality I need to be more like Him. The enemy is so tricky because this same snare is what allowed for me to view my good and perfect God, through the relationship I experienced with my sinful, evil, and broken earthly father.

The enemy told me God was the same as my earthy father.

God’s word told me: Jeremiah 9:24, “but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

We were made in the image of God. We are made to know Him, and we are made to reflect His image to the world around us. Knowing God is critically essential to having a foundation in our relationship with Him. It is essential to grow in our knowledge of Him in order to live the Christian life. It is of significant importance because the way we view God (or do not view Him) impacts every other area of our lives; relationships, sin, worship, and healing. So it is no wonder that the very first thing the enemy wants us to call into question is who God is. If satan can distort this one area than the entirety of our belief system is on sandy ground, our faith will be shaky. If satan can cause us to question who God is then we will call into question God’s word.

God’s word is the very thing by which we come to believe and to know who He is and who we are, and of equal importance who we are not. The gospel is the very best Good News ever!

I want to share with you some of the things that helped me the most during my crisis of faith, the TRUTH’s that God used to draw me back to Him, to stay.

First thing, recognizing that the Bible is compromised of 66 books, with many stories, that make up ONE big story. The story of God’s love for us. When I discovered the metanarrative of the Bible it gave me an outline for development of my theology. As I studied individually and collectively the acts of creation, the fall, redemption, and restoration, I began to clearly see God’s mercy. In the stories that before seemed horrible and sad, say the entire first five books of the Old Testament, now were overflowing with God’s patience and mercy for His people. Instead of feeling confused about God sending Adam and Eve out of the garden, I could see the truth of His love for them and His protecting them from eating of the tree of life and thereby permanently separating mankind from Himself. When I read about how God clothed Adam and Eve, I now seen that the Lord Himself committed the first blood sacrifice for us, He loved us that much! When the Lord cursed the serpent, He also gave His best promise of a future redeemer who would put all things right again. I began to see Jesus throughout the whole Bible. OK, I recognize I am straying off my main point but I get so excited thinking about those early days of discovering God’s word being alive and active in my life and everyday moments.

The next area of study that was integral to my growing in the Lord and being submissive in what He was showing and saying to me was studying HIM. Studying His characteristiscs and attributes, clearly defining terms per His standard, as He is the creator of all things. Here is where I realized just how misled I had previously been. I began to realize the way I used terms like goodness and justice were really subjective because I hadn’t fully identified an objective standard for them. When pressed my faith was called into question because my foundation had significant damage… Below are just a few of the attributes that made an immediate difference in my ability to recognize a good God, a good FATHER, despite the suffering I endured by my earthly father. Now, I do want to be clear, knowing these things did take time to live out. It was painful. I spent equal amounts of time crying out to the Lord. This time though, I was humbled and submissive, I wasn’t asking for any “thing”. I was asking for more of HIM – for Him to show me how to take all the pain I had experienced in my life and turn it into an offering of praise. And that my friends, while it is so difficult for us is only a small thing for our lord, He is faithful to do so much more than we ask for…

God looks down from heaven
    on the children of man
to see if there are any who understand,
    who seek after God. (Psalm 53:2)

• FAITHFUL – God is incapable of anything but fidelity. He is loyally devoted to His plan and purpose. Scripture References: 2 Tim 2:13 / Deut. 7:9 / Heb. 10:23
• OMNIPOTENT – God is all powerful. His strength is unlimited. Scripture References: Mat. 19:26 / Job 42:1-2 / Jer. 32:27
• OMNIPRESENT – God is everywhere. His presence is near and permeating. Scripture References: Prov. 15:3; Psalm 139:7-10 / Jer. 23:23-24
• HOLY – God is undefiled and unable to be in the presence of defilement. He is sacred and set-apart. Scripture References: Rev. 4:8 / Lev. 19:2 / Hab. 1:13
• INCOMPREHENSIBLE & TRANSCENDENT – God is high above and beyond human understanding. He is unable to be fully known. Scripture References: Ps. 145:3 / IS. 55:8-9 / Rom. 11:33-36
• IMMUTABLE – GOD DOES NOT CHANGE. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Scripture References: 1 Sam. 15:29 / Rom. 11:29 / James 1:17
• SOVEREIGN – God governs over all things. He is in complete control. Scripture References: Col. 1:17 / Ps. 24:1-2 / 1 Chron. 29:11-12
• JUST – God governs in perfect justice. He acts in accordance with justice. In Him, there is no wrongdoing or dishonesty. Scripture References: Is. 61:8 / Deut. 32:4 / Ps. 146:7-9
• LOVING – God is eternally, enduringly, steadfastly loving and affectionate. He does not forsake or betray His covenant love. Scripture References: Jn. 3:16 / Eph. 2:4-5 / 1 Jn. 4:16

This is just a short list that in itself could be hours and hours of study. I hope this is helpful to you and I pray that wherever you are in you journey that the TRUTH of God’s word comforts you and leads you to your good shepherd, to our good Father. As God’s creation, we were made for worship. We will worship, whether it is for His glory or our destruction, we get to decide. I pray that today you will find Him in the quiet moments, the loud moments, the hurting moments, and that you too will ask Him to turn your sufferings into offerings of praise. I pray that you will use the low place you may be experiencing as a new viewpoint for looking up at the cross.

God is and will be faithful to do far more that you can ask.