In Christ Jesus: The Little Phrase That Changes Everything

Before Paul teaches us about joy, suffering, humility, contentment, or living worthy of the gospel, he begins by telling us who we are, whose we are, and where everything we need for the Christian life comes from.

โ€œPaul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus,
To all the saints in Christ Jesus who are at Philippi, with the overseers and deacons:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.โ€

โ€” Philippians 1:1โ€“2

There are places in Scripture where it is tempting to read quickly.

The opening greetings of New Testament letters can be one of those places.

We see the names of the author and recipients. We read the familiar words grace and peace. Then we hurry ahead, looking for the teaching we assume will begin a few verses later.

But there are no wasted words in Scripture.

Before Paul writes about joy in suffering, the advancement of the gospel, living worthy of the gospel, the humility of Christ, working out our salvation, pressing toward the goal, our heavenly citizenship, or learning the secret of contentment, he begins with two sentences that quietly establish the theological foundation beneath the entire Christian life.

Paul and Timothy are servants of Christ Jesus.

The believers in Philippi are saints in Christ Jesus.

Grace and peace come from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Servants of Christ.

Saints in Christ.

Grace and peace from Christ.

These small words reveal an enormous reality.

The Christian life is a life that belongs to Christ, is found in Christ, and is sustained by what comes from Christ.

Servants of Christ Jesus: He Owns Us

Paul begins:

โ€œPaul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesusโ€ฆโ€

The Greek word translated servants is douloi, the plural form of doulos.

The word can be translated servant, bondservant, or slave. While each English word carries different associations, the central idea is one of belonging.

A doulos lives under the authority of another.

Paul could have introduced himself in many ways.

He was an apostle.

He was a church planter.

He had suffered for the gospel.

He had received extraordinary revelation.

He had been entrusted with a significant ministry.

He had theological training, Jewish ancestry, religious accomplishments, and a testimony of radical conversion.

But Paul begins Philippians by identifying himself as one who belongs to Jesus Christ.

A servant of Christ Jesus.

Before Paul tells us what he has done, he tells us whose he is.

This confronts one of the deepest assumptions of the human heart: the belief that we belong to ourselves.

Our culture tells us to discover ourselves, define ourselves, express ourselves, protect ourselves, and build lives centered around the fulfillment of ourselves.

The gospel tells us something radically different.

โ€œYou are not your own, for you were bought with a price.โ€

โ€” 1 Corinthians 6:19โ€“20

Jesus Christ does not merely improve our lives.

He claims them.

He does not become one priority among many competing priorities.

He becomes Lord.

To belong to Christ means that our bodies belong to Him.

Our time belongs to Him.

Our homes belong to Him.

Our marriages, motherhood, work, ministry, gifts, suffering, ambitions, possessions, and plans all come under His authority.

This is not the language of oppression.

It is the language of redemption.

We were once enslaved to sin, unable to free ourselves from its dominion. Christ purchased us with His own blood, brought us under His gracious rule, and made us His own.

The Christian has not moved from belonging to a cruel master to belonging to no master at all.

We have been brought under the lordship of Jesus Christ.

The question is no longer merely:

What do I want to do with my life?

The better question is:

Lord Jesus, what would You have me do with the life that belongs to You?

Saints in Christ Jesus: He Defines Us

Paul continues:

โ€œTo all the saints in Christ Jesus who are at Philippiโ€ฆโ€

The word translated saints is hagioi, the plural form of hagios, meaning holy ones or those set apart for God.

Paul is not writing to a small group of spiritually exceptional Christians.

He is writing to all the saints.

Every believer in Philippi is addressed this way.

The struggling believer.

The mature believer.

The suffering believer.

The believer still learning obedience.

The believer who will need correction.

The believer involved in disagreement.

All the saints.

Why can Paul call ordinary Christians saints?

The answer is found in the three words that follow:

โ€œin Christ Jesus.โ€

Their holiness is inseparable from their relationship to Christ.

They have been set apart by God and brought into union with His Son.

Steven Lawson writes:

โ€œBeing in Christ Jesus makes all the difference to everything.โ€

Before their conversion, the Philippians belonged to this present evil world and lived under the dominion of darkness. But through the saving work of God, they had been delivered from darkness and brought into vital union and communion with Jesus Christ.

They had been washed in His blood.

Given a new standing in grace.

Made citizens of the kingdom of God.

They were no longer defined by who they had been apart from Christ.

They were now in Christ Jesus.

This little prepositional phrase carries enormous theological weight.

Paul does not merely say that the saints believe about Christ.

Or admire Christ.

Or follow the teachings of Christ.

They are in Christ.

The New Testament repeatedly uses this language to describe the believerโ€™s union with Jesus.

We have died with Christ.

We have been raised with Christ.

We are seated with Christ.

Our lives are hidden with Christ.

We are justified in Christ.

We are being sanctified in Christ.

We will be raised because we belong to Christ.

Christianity is not fundamentally the renovation of the old life.

It is not God helping us become improved versions of ourselves.

The gospel brings us into an entirely new realm of existence.

Once we were in Adam.

Now we are in Christ.

Once we belonged to the kingdom of darkness.

Now we have been transferred into the kingdom of Godโ€™s beloved Son.

Once we stood condemned in our sin.

Now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

The Philippians lived in a real city.

They lived under Roman authority.

They had families, responsibilities, occupations, struggles, relationships, suffering, weaknesses, and disagreements.

Geographically, they were in Philippi.

But their spiritual location was somewhere else.

They were in Christ Jesus.

Where they lived was not the same thing as where their lives were found.

Later Paul will remind them:

โ€œBut our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.โ€

โ€” Philippians 3:20

The Philippians lived in Romeโ€™s world.

But they belonged to Christโ€™s kingdom.

They lived in Philippi.

But they were in Christ.

The same is true for every believer today.

We live in homes and communities.

We are wives, mothers, daughters, friends, employees, church members, caregivers, and neighbors.

We carry histories.

We experience failures.

We endure suffering.

We receive responsibilities.

We walk through circumstances that profoundly affect us.

But none of those things occupies the position Christ occupies.

Our circumstances describe where God has placed us.

Our responsibilities describe where God has called us to faithfulness.

Our past may explain some of the battles we fight.

But Christ defines who we are.

The Christianโ€™s deepest identity is not found by looking inward.

It is found by looking to Christ.

Grace and Peace From Christ: He Sustains Us

Paul finishes his greeting:

โ€œGrace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.โ€

The Greek word translated grace is charis.

The word translated peace is eirฤ“nฤ“.

These words were familiar features of Paulโ€™s letters, but familiarity should not cause us to overlook their theological significance.

Grace and peace have a source.

They come from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Christian life begins with grace.

We are saved by grace.

We stand in grace.

We are strengthened by grace.

We are sanctified by grace.

We serve by grace.

We persevere by grace.

And one day, we will be brought safely into the presence of Christ because the God who began His work in us will bring it to completion.

Everything begins with Godโ€™s initiative.

Everything depends upon Godโ€™s provision.

Everything ends with God receiving the glory.

The Christian life is not merely difficult without the grace of God.

It is impossible.

We cannot manufacture the resources necessary to sustain ourselves.

We cannot produce our own righteousness.

We cannot regenerate our own hearts.

We cannot sanctify ourselves through willpower.

We cannot preserve ourselves by determination.

We cannot carry ourselves into glory.

We need grace.

Grace upon grace.

Grace that saves.

And from reconciliation with God flows peace.

Later in Philippians, Paul will write about the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

Then he will speak of the God of peace who will be with His people.

But here, at the very beginning of the letter, Paul pronounces grace and peace over the saints.

The Christian does not live from an empty supply.

The fullness of Christโ€™s all-sufficient life flows to those who belong to Him.

We do not begin by grace and then continue by our own strength.

The same Christ who saves us sustains us.

Of Christ. In Christ. From Christ.

The late British theologian J. Alec Motyer draws attention to the exclusive place Jesus Christ occupies in relation to the Christian.

Paulโ€™s opening greeting presents this relationship through three small but significant words:

We are servants of Christ Jesus.

We are saints in Christ Jesus.

We receive grace and peace from the Lord Jesus Christ.

We belong to Him.

We are found in Him.

We receive everything necessary for life with God from Him.

The Christian life is Christ-centered from beginning to end.

Jesus is not merely the One who saves us and then sends us away to build our own lives.

He is not an addition to an identity we have already created.

He is not one relationship among many equally defining relationships.

He occupies an exclusive place.

He is our Lord.

He is our righteousness.

He is our life.

He is our peace.

He is our hope.

He is our sufficiency.

When Something Else Takes the Place That Belongs to Christ

The truth of Philippians 1:1โ€“2 does more than teach us doctrine.

It examines us.

If Christ occupies an exclusive place in relation to the Christian, then we must ask what we are tempted to place where only Christ belongs.

What defines you?

Is it your marriage?

Your motherhood?

Your children?

Your appearance?

Your ministry?

Your success?

Your failures?

Your suffering?

Your past?

Your political identity?

The approval of other people?

Even good gifts become crushing masters when we ask them to tell us who we are.

Motherhood is a gift.

Marriage is a gift.

Ministry is a gift.

Work is a gift.

Friendship is a gift.

But none of them can bear the weight of becoming our deepest identity.

Only Christ can occupy that place.

Perhaps you are exhausted because you are trying to produce what can only be received from Christ.

You are trying to make yourself righteous enough.

Strong enough.

Useful enough.

Disciplined enough.

Loved enough.

Holy enough.

You are trying to sustain by human effort a life that can only be sustained by divine grace.

Philippians begins by redirecting our eyes.

Before Paul tells us what to do, he reminds us whose we are.

Before he commands Christian obedience, he establishes Christian identity.

Before he teaches us how to rejoice, suffer, serve, persevere, or live worthy of the gospel, he points us to Jesus Christ.

Behold Christ

Look again at Philippians 1:1โ€“2.

Christ is the Master to whom Paul belongs.

Christ is the One in whom the saints are found.

Christ is the Lord from whom grace and peace come.

Everything leads us back to Him.

The Christian life cannot be understood apart from Jesus Christ because the Christian life does not exist apart from union with Jesus Christ.

We belong to Christ.

We are in Christ.

We receive from Christ.

And perhaps this is where we should begin our journey through Philippians.

Not first by asking how to become happier.

Not first by searching for the secret of contentment.

Not first by learning how to endure suffering.

But by asking a more foundational question:

Do I understand what it means to belong to Jesus Christ?

Because before Paul teaches us about joy, he reminds us where true joy must begin.

In Christ.

Do I think of my life as belonging entirely to Jesus Christ, or are there areas I still insist belong only to me?

What identity am I most afraid of losing?

Where am I trying to manufacture strength, peace, righteousness, or perseverance that I can only receive through the grace of God?

Lord Jesus, forgive me for the ways I have lived as though my life belonged to me. Forgive me for allowing created things, even good gifts, to occupy the place that belongs to You alone.

Behold Him, Not Me: Part Seven

When Israel Became Sodom

Judges 19

Content note: This study discusses sexual violence, physical abuse, and trauma in the context of Judges 19 and includes a personal testimony of surviving abuse.

There are chapters of Scripture that comfort us.

There are chapters that encourage us.

There are chapters that strengthen our hope, remind us of Godโ€™s faithfulness, and give us words to pray when our own words fail.

Judges 19 is not one of those chapters.

Judges 19 is meant to horrify us.

There is no deliverer.

There is no victory.

There is no miraculous rescue.

There is no repentance.

There is only a Levite, his concubine, an old man, a violent mob, a night of unspeakable abuse, the death of an unnamed woman, and a nation about to tear itself apart.

Judges 19 is one of the darkest chapters in all of Scripture.

And we should not rush through the darkness.

We should not soften the violence.

We should not turn the suffering of this woman into a convenient illustration.

We should not search so quickly for an encouraging application that we fail to sit beneath the weight of what the text is showing us.

Because Judges 19 is here for a reason.

The book of Judges has been showing us what happens when the people of God reject the rule of God.

Again and again, Israel has done what is right in their own eyes.

They have compromised.

They have worshiped idols.

They have reshaped God according to their preferences.

They have pursued comfort.

They have sought blessing without obedience.

They have built religions they could control.

And now, at the end of the book, we are shown where that road leads.

Israel has become indistinguishable from the nations around them.

Worse still, Israel has become like Sodom.

Before We Read

Before going any further, we need to acknowledge what this chapter contains.

Judges 19 describes sexual violence, abuse, dehumanization, and death.

The Bible records these events.

It does not approve of them.

Scripture is painfully honest about the evil human beings are capable of committing. The Bible does not hide the consequences of sin. It does not sanitize human depravity. It does not pretend that rebellion against God remains private, harmless, or contained.

Sin spreads.

Sin corrupts.

Sin dehumanizes.

And when people persistently reject the authority of God, other human beings bear the consequences.

The unnamed woman at the center of Judges 19 is not merely a literary device.

She is a human being made in the image of God.

She is sinned against.

She is abandoned.

She is violated.

She dies.

And the men surrounding her repeatedly treat her as though her life exists for their convenience.

We should allow the horror of that reality to trouble us.

The text intends for us to be troubled.

In Those Days There Was No King

Judges 19 begins with words we have heard before:

โ€œIn those days, when there was no king in Israelโ€ฆโ€

This statement has become the theological backdrop of the final chapters of Judges.

Israelโ€™s problem is not merely political.

Their deepest problem is spiritual.

There is no human king, but more importantly, Israel is living as though there is no divine King.

God has spoken.

God has given His law.

God has established His covenant.

God has told His people how to worship, how to pursue justice, how to treat the vulnerable, how to order their families, and how to live together as His holy people.

Yet everyone continues doing what is right in his own eyes.

Judges 19 shows us what happens when subjective morality reaches its logical conclusion.

When everyone becomes his own authority, the strong eventually decide what happens to the weak.

When personal desire becomes the highest standard, other people become objects to be used.

When Godโ€™s authority is rejected, human dignity does not increase.

It collapses.

A Levite Who Should Have Known Better

Once again, a Levite stands near the center of the story.

That should trouble us.

The Levites had been set apart for service connected to the worship of God.

If anyone should have known the Word of God, it was a Levite.

If anyone should have understood covenant faithfulness, justice, holiness, and the value of belonging to God, it was a Levite.

Yet the Levite in Judges 19 is not presented as a faithful spiritual leader.

He is part of the problem.

The chapter begins by introducing his concubine, who leaves him and returns to her fatherโ€™s house in Bethlehem.

After four months, the Levite travels to persuade her to return.

Her father welcomes him enthusiastically.

For several days, the men eat, drink, and delay the journey.

Eventually, the Levite insists on leaving.

The decision is made late in the day.

As darkness approaches, the servant suggests that they stop in Jebus, the city that would later become Jerusalem.

But the Levite refuses.

Jebus is inhabited by foreigners.

He does not want to spend the night among people who are not Israelites.

Instead, he chooses to continue to Gibeah.

Surely they will be safer among the people of God.

They are not.

When Israel Became Sodom

The travelers arrive in Gibeah, a city belonging to the tribe of Benjamin.

They sit in the town square.

No one welcomes them.

Eventually, an old man returning from his work in the fields sees them and offers hospitality.

Then the story begins to sound disturbingly familiar.

The men of the city surround the house.

They demand that the Levite be brought outside so that they can sexually assault him.

The deliberate connection to Genesis 19 is difficult to miss.

In Genesis, the men of Sodom surround Lotโ€™s house.

In Judges, the men of Gibeah surround the old manโ€™s house.

In Genesis, the mob demands the male visitors.

In Judges, the mob demands the Levite.

The language is similar.

The circumstances are similar.

The depravity is similar.

But there is one devastating difference.

Gibeah is not a Canaanite city.

Gibeah belongs to Israel.

God had called Israel to be holy.

God had separated them from the nations.

God had given them His Word.

God had placed His name among them.

God had called them to display His character to the world.

But now the people who were supposed to be different have become indistinguishable from the people they were commanded not to imitate.

Israel has become Sodom.

This may be one of the most terrifying warnings in the entire book of Judges.

The people of God can live among the things of God, possess the Word of God, use the name of God, and still become increasingly unlike God.

Spiritual privilege does not make anyone immune to spiritual decay.

A people who repeatedly refuse to listen to God can eventually become unrecognizable as His people.

The Failure of Every Man in the Story

There are no heroes in Judges 19.

The men of Gibeah are wicked.

But they are not the only men who fail.

The old man offers the women of the household to the mob.

The Levite sends his concubine outside.

The men abuse her throughout the night.

In the morning, she collapses at the doorway of the house.

And when the Levite opens the door, he says:

โ€œGet up, let us be going.โ€

There is no recorded grief.

No tenderness.

No attempt to help her.

No acknowledgment of what she has suffered.

When she does not respond, he places her body on his donkey and returns home.

The woman at the center of the story is repeatedly acted upon.

Men decide where she will go.

Men decide what will happen to her.

Men sacrifice her safety to protect themselves.

Men violate her.

Men speak over her.

Men use her death for their own purposes.

She is never given a voice.

And that silence is part of the horror.

The further Israel moves from the rule of God, the more vulnerable people suffer.

Throughout Scripture, the treatment of the vulnerable is repeatedly connected to the spiritual condition of Godโ€™s people.

When people love God, they are commanded to love their neighbor.

When people fear God, they are forbidden from using power merely for their own advantage.

When people reject Godโ€™s authority, power becomes something to seize, protect, and use.

Judges 19 shows us a society in which nearly everyone is protecting himself.

And the person with the least power pays the highest price.

The Banality of Evil

One of the most disturbing things about the final chapters of Judges is how ordinary everyone seems.

These are not monsters from another world.

They travel.

They eat meals.

They extend hospitality.

They have families.

They speak about God.

They belong to tribes.

They participate in religious life.

And yet beneath the ordinary surface lies profound moral corruption.

Evil does not always announce itself dramatically.

Sometimes it grows quietly.

Compromise after compromise.

Excuse after excuse.

Desire after desire.

People gradually become accustomed to what once would have horrified them.

Sin becomes normal.

Consciences become dull.

People learn to live with contradictions.

They speak the language of faith while living according to their own desires.

The final chapters of Judges show us what happens when rebellion becomes ordinary.

The people do not merely commit isolated acts of sin.

They inhabit an entire moral world in which everyone is doing what is right in his own eyes.

The Woman at the Door

There is an image near the end of the chapter that is difficult to forget.

Morning comes.

The door opens.

And the woman is lying at the threshold with her hands on the doorway.

She had almost reached shelter.

But the door remained closed.

There are times when careful Bible study requires us to resist the urge to turn every detail into a metaphor.

This woman does not need to become a symbol before we are willing to grieve what happened to her.

She was a person made in the image of God.

And she was treated as disposable.

The text does not give us her name.

But God saw her.

The men in this chapter use her.

Ignore her.

Abandon her.

Violate her.

Dismember her.

But the God who inspired Scripture does not allow Israel to forget her.

Her suffering becomes part of the testimony against a nation that has rejected its King.

Her presence in Scripture reminds us that God does not look away from the suffering human beings would prefer to ignore.

The Bible bears witness to victims whom powerful people would rather leave unnamed.

The God Who Saw Me Too

There is a reason I cannot read Judges 19 from a safe distance.

I know what it is like to be sexually abused.

For a long period of my life, I was sexually abused by my father. I was also sexually and physically abused by other men.

I know something of the deep wounds these kinds of sins leave behind.

I know what it is like to carry questions you do not know how to ask.

Does God see me?

Does He care about what happened?

Will there ever be justice?

Am I still worthy of being loved?

For many years, I did not know how to bring those questions to God. I did not know how to process what had happened to me within my theology.

Then I began learning to slow down when I read Scripture.

I stopped rushing past difficult passages.

I stopped assuming that the darkest stories in the Bible were obstacles to faith that needed to be explained away as quickly as possible.

And I began to see something I had missed.

God does not hide what evil does to people.

He does not call evil good.

He does not ask us to pretend that suffering does not matter.

He does not look away from the people others would prefer to forget.

Judges 19 does not allow us to forget this woman.

The text does not give us her name, but God preserved the testimony of what was done to her.

Her suffering is not hidden.

The evil committed against her is not erased.

Generation after generation has been forced to reckon with what happened in Gibeah because God allowed her story to remain in His Word.

And as I learned to see her, I began to understand more deeply that God saw me too.

I thought about Hagar.

She was a woman caught within the sinful decisions and abuses of power of other people.

She fled into the wilderness.

And there, the angel of the LORD found her.

He called her by name.

โ€œHagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?โ€

โ€” Genesis 16:8

Hagar responded by giving God a name:

โ€œYou are a God of seeing.โ€

She said:

โ€œTruly here I have seen Him who looks after me.โ€

โ€” Genesis 16:13

Later, Hagar would find herself in the wilderness again, believing she was about to watch her son die.

She wept.

God heard.

And the angel of God called to her from heaven.

These passages began changing the way I understood God.

The God of Scripture is not the author of evil.

He is good.

He is just.

He sees.

He hears.

He knows.

And because He is faithful, He will keep every promise He has made.

That means evil will not be ignored forever.

Those who have harmed others will answer to Godโ€™s perfect justice.

Some of us may see justice in this life.

Some of us may not.

Human courts may fail.

People may refuse to believe us.

Those who committed evil may never acknowledge what they have done.

But there is no hidden thing that will remain hidden before the judgment of God.

The Judge of all the earth will do what is just.

For me, that truth did not make forgiveness unnecessary.

It made forgiveness possible.

I began to understand that forgiveness does not require me to call evil good.

It does not require me to pretend that justice does not matter.

It does not require me to deny what happened.

I can entrust final judgment to the God who sees perfectly, knows completely, and judges righteously.

And I can bring my wounds to Jesus.

The One who sees Hagar in the wilderness is the same God who came near to us in Christ.

Jesus saw women others ignored.

He welcomed people others rejected.

He touched those others considered unclean.

He drew near to the suffering.

He was betrayed.

He was stripped.

He was mocked.

He was beaten.

He was crucified.

And He willingly bore the judgment for sin so that sinners could be reconciled to God.

The cross taught me that God does not minimize evil.

Sin is so serious that the Son of God gave His life to save sinners from it.

And the resurrection taught me that evil, suffering, and death will not have the final word.

Slowly, the Old Testament and the New Testament began coming together for me.

The God who saw Hagar is the God who saw me.

The God who refused to let Israel forget the unnamed woman of Judges 19 had not forgotten me.

The righteous Judge before whom every evil will one day be exposed is also the Father who received me through His Son.

I began to understand that Jesus loved me deeply.

I began to receive the love of God instead of believing that what had been done to me determined my worth.

I began to seek forgiveness for my own sins.

I began learning to forgive others.

And I began trusting God with the justice I could not accomplish for myself.

These passages did not destroy my faith.

They deepened it.

They taught me that I do not need a Bible that looks away from evil.

I need a God who sees it more clearly than I ever could.

I do not need a God who offers shallow explanations for suffering.

I need the God who enters our suffering, judges with perfect justice, saves sinners through the blood of His Son, and promises that one day He will make all things new.

If you have experienced sexual violence, physical abuse, or other deep wounds, or if you love someone who has, I want you to know why I am willing to remain in difficult passages like Judges 19.

It is because I have found that slowing down in these passages has helped me know God more deeply.

You do not have to pretend that evil is less evil in order to trust Him.

You do not have to silence your grief.

You do not have to be afraid of your questions.

Bring them into the light of Scripture.

Learn the character of the God who sees.

Learn the justice of the God who will judge rightly.

Learn the mercy of the Savior who receives sinners.

Learn the love of the Father who gave His Son so that all who trust in Him might be reconciled to God.

My prayer is not merely that you will make it through the difficult chapters of the Bible with your faith intact.

My prayer is that, as you slow down and see the God who has revealed Himself there, your faith will deepen too.

The God who saw Hagar sees.

The God who preserved the testimony of the unnamed woman remembers.

The God who gave His Son saves.

And the King who is coming will judge the world in righteousness.

Come and see the God who sees.

Where Is God?

One of the unsettling realities of Judges 19 is the apparent silence of God.

There is no divine speech.

No angel appears.

No miracle interrupts the violence.

No deliverer arrives.

Where is God?

The answer is not that God has disappeared.

The entire book has shown us a people repeatedly refusing to listen to Him.

God has spoken.

Israel possesses His covenant.

Israel has His law.

Israel knows His commands.

The tragedy is not that God failed to reveal what righteousness looks like.

The tragedy is that Israel has rejected what God has revealed.

We must also be careful not to confuse Godโ€™s silence in the narrative with Godโ€™s indifference to suffering.

The chapter itself stands as testimony against Israel.

God has preserved the record of what happened.

The evil in Gibeah is not hidden from Him.

The suffering of the woman is not forgotten.

Judges 19 shows us what life looks like when human beings insist upon doing what is right in their own eyes.

And it leaves us longing for judgment, rescue, and a righteous King.

Outrage Is Not Repentance

The Levite takes the womanโ€™s body and divides it into twelve pieces.

He sends the pieces throughout the territory of Israel.

The act is horrifying.

The response is immediate.

The people of Israel say:

โ€œSuch a thing has never happened or been seen from the day that the people of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt until this day; consider it, take counsel, and speak.โ€

Israel is finally shocked.

After years of idolatry.

After generations of compromise.

After repeated rejection of Godโ€™s covenant.

After everyone has done what is right in his own eyes.

Israel has finally found a sin terrible enough to produce national outrage.

But outrage is not the same thing as repentance.

It is possible to be horrified by the sins of others while remaining blind to the sin within ourselves.

It is possible to correctly identify evil and still respond to evil in ways that reveal our own estrangement from God.

That is where Judges 20 will take us.

The nation will gather.

The people will demand justice.

A civil war will begin.

Thousands will die.

And the people who are outraged by Gibeah will continue demonstrating that the deepest problem in Israel cannot be contained within one city.

The problem is everywhere.

The Road to Gibeah Was Longer Than One Night

Israel did not become Sodom overnight.

The violence of Judges 19 is the fruit of seeds planted throughout the entire book.

Israel compromised with the Canaanites.

Israel tolerated idolatry.

Israel abandoned covenant faithfulness.

Israel repeatedly cried out to God when suffering became unbearable, only to return to rebellion when relief arrived.

Israel treated God as a means of obtaining blessing rather than as their King.

By Judges 17, Micah has created his own religion.

By Judges 18, the tribe of Dan has established institutionalized idolatry.

By Judges 19, Israel has become Sodom.

This is the trajectory of sin.

Sin rarely tells us where it intends to take us.

It asks only for the next compromise.

The next excuse.

The next small act of disobedience.

The next moment when we decide that what seems right in our own eyes matters more than what God has said.

Judges 19 forces us to see the destination.

We Need a Righteous King

The book of Judges has shown us judge after judge.

Some were faithful.

Some were deeply flawed.

Some delivered Israel from external enemies while remaining unable to change the hearts of Godโ€™s people.

But now there is no judge.

There is no deliverer.

There is no faithful leader standing between the vulnerable and those who would destroy them.

The repeated refrain tells us what Israel lacks:

โ€œIn those days there was no king in Israel.โ€

But Israel does not merely need someone wearing a crown.

Israel needs a righteous King.

A King who will not exploit the weak.

A King who will not sacrifice others to save Himself.

A King who knows the Word of God and obeys it perfectly.

A King who sees the forgotten.

A King who defends the vulnerable.

A King who judges evil without becoming evil.

A King who can deal not only with the enemies surrounding Godโ€™s people, but with the sin dwelling within them.

Judges leaves us longing for such a King.

The gospel tells us His name.

The King Who Gave Himself

The men in Judges 19 preserve themselves by giving up someone else.

Jesus does the opposite.

Christ does not sacrifice the vulnerable to save Himself.

He gives Himself to save sinners.

The Good Shepherd does not abandon the sheep when the wolves come.

He lays down His life for the sheep.

Jesus does not use His power to protect Himself from suffering.

He willingly enters suffering.

He is betrayed.

He is mocked.

He is beaten.

He is condemned.

He is crucified.

Not because humanity is innocent.

But because humanity is guilty.

At the cross, we see both the horror of human sin and the holiness of God.

The cross does not minimize evil.

It reveals how serious sin truly is.

The righteous King bears judgment in the place of His people.

Judges 19 shows us human beings sacrificing others to save themselves.

The gospel shows us the Son of God giving Himself to save sinners.

Jesus Christ is the King Israel needed.

And He is the King we need.

The King Who Sees

Judges 19 reminds us that human beings can overlook suffering.

Communities can normalize injustice.

Religious people can become indifferent.

Powerful people can protect themselves.

Victims can remain unnamed.

But God sees.

God hears.

God knows.

And God will judge rightly.

The gospel does not ask us to pretend evil is less terrible than it is.

The gospel tells us that evil will not have the final word.

Jesus Christ was crucified.

Jesus Christ was buried.

Jesus Christ rose from the dead.

Jesus Christ reigns.

And one day the King who sees every injustice will judge the world in righteousness.

Every hidden thing will be brought into the light.

Every wrong will be answered according to perfect justice.

For those who belong to Christ, the promise of His kingdom means that suffering, violence, injustice, and death will not endure forever.

The King is coming.

Behold Him, Not Me

Judges 19 is difficult to read because it shows us what human beings become when we reject the rule of God.

Israel was called to be holy.

Israel was called to be different.

Israel was called to display the character of God among the nations.

Instead, Israel became Sodom.

The warning should humble us.

We should never assume that religious language, biblical knowledge, church attendance, ministry involvement, or spiritual heritage makes us immune to compromise.

We need more than outrage over the sins of the world.

We need more than moral reform.

We need more than better circumstances.

We need new hearts.

We need forgiveness.

We need righteousness we cannot produce for ourselves.

We need a King.

Judges leaves us searching for Him.

The rest of Scripture tells us His name.

Jesus Christ.

The righteous King.

The faithful Shepherd.

The One who sees the forgotten.

The One who judges with perfect justice.

The One who gave Himself to save sinners.

When everyone does what is right in his own eyes, look to the King.

When the world becomes accustomed to evil, look to the King.

When religious people fail, look to the King.

When human justice proves insufficient, look to the King.

When the darkness seems unbearable, look to the King.

Behold Him.


Heart Check

Am I more skilled at identifying the sins of others than examining the compromises within my own heart?

Have I become comfortable with things that Scripture calls evil?

Are there areas of my life where personal preference has become more authoritative than the Word of God?

Do I assume that being surrounded by Christian things is the same as faithfully following Christ?

How do I respond when obedience to Jesus requires me to protect, serve, or speak for people who have less power than I do?

Do I merely feel outrage over evil, or does the reality of sin lead me toward repentance, prayer, obedience, and trust in Christ?

Where am I tempted to protect myself at the expense of others?

Do I truly believe that Jesus is the righteous King I needโ€”not only to judge the evil around me, but to save me from the sin within me?


Prayer

Father,

Judges 19 is difficult to read.

The violence is horrifying. The suffering is real. The depth of human sin is difficult to comprehend.

Yet Your Word refuses to hide what happens when people reject Your rule and do what is right in their own eyes.

Search my heart.

Show me where I have become comfortable with compromise.

Show me where I am quicker to condemn the sins of others than to repent of my own.

Guard me from a faith that knows Your Word but refuses to submit to it.

Teach me to see people as those made in Your image.

Give me courage to protect the vulnerable, speak truth, pursue justice, and refuse to make peace with evil.

For those reading who carry wounds caused by the evil of others, draw near to them.

Help them know that You see.

Help them know that You hear.

Help them know that evil is not hidden from You and that Your justice will not fail.

Lead them to the Savior who receives sinners, binds up the brokenhearted, and will one day make all things new.

And when the darkness of human sin feels overwhelming, turn our eyes toward Christ.

Thank You for giving us the King we could never produce for ourselves.

Thank You that Jesus did not sacrifice others to save Himself, but willingly gave Himself to save sinners.

Thank You that He sees the forgotten, receives the repentant, judges rightly, and reigns forever.

Teach us to trust Him.

Teach us to follow Him.

Teach us to behold Him.

Not us.

In Jesusโ€™ name,

Amen.

Sea Creatures, Small Victories & the Kindness of God

Finding joy in the creatures God made, celebrating progress that doesnโ€™t always look big, and learning to recognize His kindness in the middle of ordinary family life.

There are some family trips where you come home rested.

This was not one of those trips. ๐Ÿ˜‚

This past weekend, our family headed down to Newport for two full days at the Oregon Coast Aquarium. By the time we came home, our feet hurt, our bodies were tired, and according to how my legs felt, we had walked approximately 100,000 steps.

Okay, maybe that number is slightly dramatic.

But my feet would like it entered into the official record anyway.

And if you know Jackson, you already know exactly why we went:

Sea creatures. Allllll the sea creatures.

Sharks. Rays. Fish. Tide pools. Anything swimming, crawling, floating, or lurking beneath the surfaceโ€”Jackson wants to see it, learn about it, and probably tell you something about it that you didnโ€™t know.

Seeing It Through His Eyes

One of my favorite things about being Jacksonโ€™s mom is getting to experience the world through the lens of whatever has captured his attention.

And sea creatures have certainly captured his… for the last 7 years.

There is something special about watching your child stand completely captivated by an animal God createdโ€”studying how it moves, noticing tiny details the rest of us might walk right past, and wanting to soak in every bit of it.

As we walked through the aquarium, I found myself thinking about just how wildly creative our God is.

The strange ones.

The beautiful ones.

The tiny ones we almost miss.

And the ones with enough teeth that we are perfectly content admiring them through very thick glass. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Every single one displays something of the creativity, wisdom, and imagination of its Creator.

โ€œO LORD, how manifold are your works! In wisdom have you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.โ€ โ€” Psalm 104:24

What a gift that God did not simply create a functional world.

He created one overflowing with wonder.

And what a gift to experience some of that wonder through the eyes of our son.

But This Trip, We Noticed Something Else: Growth

We visited the aquarium last fall, so Zac and I had a pretty recent trip to compare this one to.

And this time, we could see it.

Jackson has grown.

Not just physicallyโ€”although somehow these children insist on doing that no matter how many times we tell them to stop.

We saw growth in things that might seem incredibly ordinary to another family but felt huge to ours.

Jackson ate really well throughout the entire trip.

He was able to sit down and take breaks.

He handled two very full days of walking, stimulation, excitement, transitions, and activity in ways he simply could not have before.

Were there still meltdowns?

Yep.

Were there still struggles?

Absolutely.

Did all three of us have moments when we were tired, overstimulated, frustrated, or just plain done?

Oh yes.

This wasnโ€™t one of those magical family vacations where everyone smiled peacefully at one another for 48 consecutive hours while inspirational music played softly in the background.

We are still us. ๐Ÿ˜‚

There were hard moments tucked between the smiles in these pictures.

But this weekend reminded me of something I donโ€™t want to forget:

The presence of struggle does not mean there hasnโ€™t been progress.

Sometimes growth doesnโ€™t mean the hard things disappear.

Sometimes growth means something that was impossible six months ago is now possible for ten minutes.

Then twenty.

Sometimes it looks like sitting down long enough to eat a good meal.

Sometimes itโ€™s being able to take a break in the middle of an exciting day.

Sometimes itโ€™s recovering from a hard moment just a little faster.

Sometimes itโ€™s tolerating one more transition.

And sometimes, itโ€™s watching your childโ€™s world get a little bigger.

A Little Detour That Was Actually a Really Big Deal

One of my favorite examples of that happened when we decided to fit in an extra stop at Ripleyโ€™s Believe It or Not.

On paper, it wasnโ€™t anything extraordinary.

It was just a little one-hour excursion squeezed into an already very full weekend before heading back to the aquarium.

But for our family?

It was a really big deal.

Jackson was nervous and hesitant at first.

He wasnโ€™t particularly excited about going in. This wasnโ€™t what he had come to Newport for. The aquarium and his beloved sea creatures were familiar territory; this was something different, unexpected, and full of unknowns.

There was a time when that alone would have made an extra stop like this impossible.

But he went in.

And little by little, we watched something change.

There were so many hands-on and sensory experiences inside that his hesitation began to give way to curiosity.

He started exploring.

He engaged.

He let go.

He had fun.

He was nervousโ€”and he was brave enough to push through that nervousness and discover something new on the other side of it.

And then came something equally significant:

When our little adventure was finished, we transitioned back to the aquarium and continued our day.

An unfamiliar place.

An unexpected addition to the plan.

A completely different sensory environment.

Walking into it despite being unsure.

Enjoying it.

Leaving it.

And then transitioning back to the original plan.

To someone looking from the outside, it might simply look like:

We went somewhere for an hour.

But we knew.

This little one-hour excursion would have been impossible before.

Not difficult.

Not inconvenient.

Impossible.

And this weekend, it was possible.

Not necessarily easy.

But possible.

And there is something incredibly beautiful about realizing that something that once felt impossible has quietly become possible.

When His World Gets a Little Bigger

I think this may be one of the ways I want to remember Jacksonโ€™s growth:

His world is getting a little bigger.

We arenโ€™t measuring progress by whether everything suddenly becomes easy.

We arenโ€™t measuring it by whether meltdowns disappear.

They havenโ€™t.

We arenโ€™t pretending that autism somehow becomes less real simply because we had a wonderful weekend.

There are still hard moments.

There are still accommodations.

There are still things we navigate differently than other families might.

But those realities do not cancel out progress.

Instead, we are learning to notice when Jacksonโ€™s capacity to experience the world expands just a little more.

When something that once felt impossible becomes possible.

When uncertainty doesnโ€™t completely prevent curiosity.

When he can experience nervousness and still be brave.

When he can try something unfamiliar and discover that he actually enjoys it.

When we can add one more experience to the day.

When we can transition awayโ€”and then transition back.

These things may look small from the outside.

But when you remember when they werenโ€™t possible?

They donโ€™t feel small at all.

Sometimes you donโ€™t realize just how far your child has come until you suddenly find yourself standing in the middle of something you once couldnโ€™t do.

And you think:

Wait.

Weโ€™re doing it.

Donโ€™t Let Todayโ€™s Hard Moment Make You Forget How Far Youโ€™ve Come

There were still difficult moments this weekend.

And when you are in one of those moments, it can be easy to feel as though nothing has changed.

A meltdown can feel very big while youโ€™re standing in the middle of it.

A difficult transition can temporarily overshadow everything that went beautifully before it.

But then I remembered last fall.

And suddenly, I could see it.

Progress.

Growth.

Maturity.

Capacity.

Grace.

Not perfection.

Growth.

And isnโ€™t that so often how God works in all of us?

We tend to want transformation to happen in giant, unmistakable leaps.

We want to wake up one morning and discover that the difficult things are no longer difficult.

But so often, the Lord faithfully works through thousands of tiny moments that donโ€™t seem remarkable while weโ€™re living them.

A little more endurance.

A little more courage.

A little more patience.

One more thing that becomes possible.

And then one day, we look backward and realize:

We arenโ€™t where we used to be.

Sometimes we have to look back to see just how faithfully God has carried us forward.

Sea Creatures, Small Victories & a Very Full Two Days

So we explored.

We walked.

And walked.

And walked some more.

We watched sharks glide through the water.

We admired creatures from the deep.

We learned.

We laughed.

We ate.

We rested when we needed to.

We tried something new.

We navigated meltdowns.

We regrouped.

And then we kept going.

By the end of our two days, our feet hurt, our bodies were tired, and I think we had collectively seen enough fish to qualify for honorary marine biology degrees.

But our hearts were full.

Because tucked inside an ordinary family weekend at the aquarium were a hundred little reminders of Godโ€™s kindness.

The kindness of watching our son experience something he genuinely loves.

The kindness of seeing his face light up over creatures God made.

The kindness of noticing growth that can be difficult to recognize when you are living life one day at a time.

The kindness of realizing his world is getting a little bigger.

The kindness of getting another adventure togetherโ€”even when adventures with our family donโ€™t always look effortless.

And the kindness of a Creator who filled His world with creatures so strange, beautiful, intricate, and fascinating that we could spend a lifetime discovering them and still have more to see.

Praise the Lord for Progressโ€”and for Really Cool Sharks

Iโ€™m learning not to wait until everything is easy before calling something good.

This weekend was good.

It was also tiring.

There were meltdowns.

There were struggles.

There were probably moments when all three of us needed a timeout.

And there was so much joy.

Those things can exist together.

The hard does not erase the good.

And the presence of struggle does not mean there hasnโ€™t been progress.

So today, Iโ€™m thanking God for two days in Newport.

For a little boy who loves all things sea creatures.

For a daddy who explores alongside him.

For sharks swimming overhead.

For meals eaten well and breaks successfully taken.

For an unexpected one-hour adventure.

For the courage to walk into something unfamiliar.

For transitions that once would have been impossible.

For tired feet.

For small victories that really arenโ€™t so small.

And for growth that sometimes can only be seen when we turn around and look at how far weโ€™ve come.

Most of all, Iโ€™m thankful for the beautiful, bizarre, magnificent creatures our God dreamed up and spoke into existence for His gloryโ€”and that He graciously allows us to enjoy.

Praise the Lord for making such a wonderfully wild world.

And praise Him that, little by little, Jacksonโ€™s world is getting biggerโ€”and we get the privilege of watching him discover it.

Knowing God Is Better Than Having All the Answers

Before We Dive In

You may notice some overlap between this study and the previous two Judges posts Iโ€™ve shared. Thatโ€™s intentional. In those studies, we looked at the broader movement of Judges 12โ€“13 and how the story points us forward to Christ. This time, I found myself lingering over a much smaller section of the textโ€”Judges 13:8โ€“25โ€”and discovering a lesson I wasnโ€™t ready to move past.

Sometimes Scripture is like that. We read a passage once and see the big picture. Then we come back and find the Lord gently pressing a particular truth deeper into our hearts. For me, that truth was this: knowing God is better than having all the answers.

So if some of these verses feel familiar, I hope youโ€™ll slow down with me and look again. Godโ€™s Word always has more to show us.

And perhaps thatโ€™s one of the greatest gifts of studying Scripture slowly. We donโ€™t simply gather more informationโ€”we come to know the Author more deeply. As always, my prayer is that through this study we would learn to behold Him, not ourselves, trusting that His character is enough even when we donโ€™t have all the answers.

Judges 13:8โ€“25

As I studied Judges 13 this week, I found myself identifying with Samsonโ€™s father, Manoah.

After hearing that his barren wife would bear a son, Manoah prayed:

โ€œPlease, Lord, let the man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born.โ€ (Judges 13:8)

His request is deeply relatable. He wants clarity, direction, and a plan for the future God has placed in his hands.

Iโ€™ve prayed the same way countless times.

As the mother of a son with autism, I have often asked God for guidance. Should I pursue this therapy or that one? Should I homeschool or choose public school? What does faithfulness look like in this situation?

If God would simply make the path clear, I would gladly follow it.

But Judges 13 reveals a better gift. The central lesson of Manoahโ€™s story is this:

Knowing God is better than having all the answers.

Manoah asks for guidance, yet God gives him something deeperโ€”a greater revelation of Himself. And that is often how God works in our lives as well.

Faith That Believes the Impossible

Before we look at Manoah, we must first notice the remarkable faith of Samsonโ€™s mother.

When the angel of the Lord appeared and announced that she would conceive and bear a son, she simply believed.

There is no recorded laughter as there was with Sarah when she heard she would bear Isaac in her old age (Genesis 18:9โ€“15).

There is no disbelief like Zechariah displayed when he learned John the Baptist would be born (Luke 1:13โ€“20).

Instead, Samsonโ€™s mother receives Godโ€™s word with faith:

โ€œA man of God came to me. He looked like an angel of God, very awesome.โ€ (Judges 13:6)

She believed the promise before she saw the fulfillment.

In this way, she reminds us of another woman who would receive impossible news more than a thousand years later.

When Gabriel announced the coming birth of Jesus, Mary responded:

โ€œMay it be to me as you have said.โ€ (Luke 1:38)

Both women trusted Godโ€™s promises.

Both women submitted themselves to Godโ€™s purposes.

Both women accepted personal cost in order to participate in Godโ€™s plan.

Samsonโ€™s mother embraced the Nazarite restrictions required during her pregnancy. Mary embraced the shame and misunderstanding that would accompany an unwed pregnancy.

Both women demonstrate that faith is not merely believing God can do the impossibleโ€”it is willingly placing ourselves at His disposal.

Manoahโ€™s Request

Unlike his wife, Manoah has questions.

And honestly, I appreciate that.

His response feels very human.

Notice that he doesnโ€™t ask whether Godโ€™s promise is true.

He assumes the child will come.

His request is not for proof but for guidance.

He wants to know:

โ€œWhat is to be the rule for the boyโ€™s life and work?โ€ (Judges 13:12)

How do we raise him?

What should we do?

What rules should we follow?

Again, I find myself nodding along.

As parents, we want certainty.

We want formulas.

We want detailed instructions.

We want guarantees.

Yet when the angel returns, something surprising happens.

He doesnโ€™t provide much new information at all.

The child will be a Nazarite.

Manoahโ€™s wife must continue obeying what she has already been told.

Thatโ€™s essentially it.

No parenting manual.

No detailed roadmap.

No step-by-step guide.

Why?

The Help Manoah Wanted Versus the Help He Needed

At first it seems like God ignored Manoahโ€™s request.

But He didnโ€™t.

God answered the prayer.

Just not in the way Manoah expected.

Manoah wanted information.

God gave revelation.

Manoah wanted rules.

God revealed His character.

Manoah wanted to know what to do.

God showed him who He was.

When Manoah asks the angelโ€™s name, the angel responds:

โ€œWhy do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding.โ€ (Judges 13:18)

Then the angel ascends into heaven in the flame of the sacrifice.

Suddenly Manoah realizes this was no ordinary visitor.

This was a divine encounter.

The angel of the Lord had come not merely to deliver information but to reveal Godโ€™s greatness.

That was the help Manoah truly needed.

And perhaps it is the help we need as well.

The Lesson I Keep Learning

This part of the story stopped me in my tracks.

Because I often approach God exactly the way Manoah did.

I want clarity.

I want confidence for the next step.

I want God to show me how to move forward.

As the mother of a child with autism, I have cried out to God with questions similar to Manoahโ€™s.

But Godโ€™s silence has not really been silence.

Like Manoah, I often discover that God is answering a deeper question than the one I am asking.

He is teaching me His character.

His goodness.

His faithfulness.

His wisdom.

His sovereignty.

Because the truth is this:

Knowing God is better than having all the answers.

No set of instructions can prepare us for every decision we will face.

Only a deep understanding of who God is can guide us through the countless twists and turns of life.

Faith Is Not the Absence of Thinking

After Manoah panics and assumes they are about to die because they have seen God, it is his wife who calmly reasons through the situation:

โ€œIf the Lord had meant to kill us, he would not have accepted a burnt offering and grain offering from our hands.โ€ (Judges 13:23)

Her response beautifully illustrates what Tim Keller wrote:

โ€œFaith is not the absence of thinking. It is thinking and acting on the basis of the Word and promises of God.โ€

She reflects on what God has already revealed.

She reasons from His character.

She trusts His promises.

That is biblical faith.

Not blind optimism.

Not wishful thinking.

But confidence rooted in who God is.

We Need God More Than More Rules

Tim Keller points out that mature relationships require fewer external rules and more internal wisdom.

Young children need constant instructions:

Donโ€™t touch that.

Donโ€™t go there.

Donโ€™t do this.

But as children mature, parents desire them to internalize wisdom and values so they can make good decisions even when specific instructions are absent.

The same is true spiritually.

Many Christians imagine Old Testament believers had a better system because they received more regulations.

Yet under the New Covenant, we have something far greater.

We have the Holy Spirit.

Paul writes:

โ€œBe transformed by the renewing of your mind.โ€ (Romans 12:2)

And:

โ€œWe have the mind of Christ.โ€ (1 Corinthians 2:16)

Rather than endless prescriptions, God gives us Himself.

Rather than merely telling us what to do, He transforms who we are.

What Manoah needed most was not more regulations.

It was a greater vision of God.

And the same is true for us.

Samsonโ€™s Birth and Our Need for a Greater Savior

Finally, just as God promised, Samson is born.

The promise was never in doubt because it rested on Godโ€™s word.

The child grows.

God blesses him.

The Spirit begins to stir within him.

Everything appears poised for success.

If anyone ever had spiritual advantages, it was Samson.

Miraculous birth.

Divine calling.

Godโ€™s blessing.

The Spiritโ€™s power.

Yet as we continue through Judges, we will discover that Samson is not the Savior Israel needs.

He will disappoint us.

His flaws will become painfully evident.

And that disappointment is intentional.

Because Samson was never meant to be the final Deliverer.

He points beyond himself.

To David.

And beyond David.

To Jesus Christ.

The One who would perfectly obey.

The One who would perfectly trust.

The One who would perfectly save.

Heart Check

As I closed my Bible, one question lingered in my heart:

In what areas of my life would I rather have answers than God Himself?

Where am I asking for certainty instead of trust?

Where am I asking for a roadmap instead of a relationship?

Like Manoah, we often think we need more information.

But God knows what we truly need.

We need Him.

His character.

His wisdom.

His presence.

His promises.

Because in the end:

Knowing God is better than having all the answers.

Behold Him, not me.

He Told Her All His Heart

โ€œThen he told her all his heartโ€ฆโ€
โ€” Judges 16:17

Iโ€™ve read the story of Samson and Delilah many times.

Like many people, I often focused on the obvious lessonsโ€”the danger of temptation, Samsonโ€™s pride, Delilahโ€™s betrayal, or the cutting of his hair. But this morning, one small phrase stopped me in my tracks:

โ€œThen he told her all his heart.โ€

Suddenly, Samson felt less like a larger-than-life judge and more like a deeply lonely man.

Behind all the strength, bravado, and reckless choices was someone desperately craving intimacy.

Samson wanted to be known.

He wanted to be loved.

He wanted someone to hold his heart.

The tragedy is not that Samson desired intimacy. God created us for relationship. The tragedy is that Samson sought from Delilah what he could only receive from God.

Isnโ€™t that often our story too?

How often do we go to people first for validation, security, comfort, approval, or identity? We carry empty places in our hearts and expect spouses, friends, children, ministry, success, or relationships to fill what only God was ever meant to satisfy.

Psalm 118:8 reminds us:

โ€œIt is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.โ€

The problem isnโ€™t loving people.

The problem is asking people to be what only God can be.

When we come to others looking for them to fill our deepest needs, we eventually place a weight on them they were never designed to carry. But when we first come to the Lord, allowing Him to satisfy our hearts with His steadfast love, we are free to love others not out of need but out of service.

That is exactly what Samson never learned.

Many of us were taught that Samsonโ€™s strength was somehow hidden in his hair. Almost as if his hair possessed some magical power. But Scripture tells a different story.

After Delilah had his head shaved, Samson awoke expecting to defeat the Philistines once again.

โ€œBut he did not know that the Lord had left him.โ€ (Judges 16:20)

The hair was never the source of his strength.

The Lord was.

Psalm 28:7 says:

โ€œThe Lord is my strength and my shield.โ€

Samsonโ€™s strength did not leave when his hair was cut.

His strength left when the presence of the Lord departed.

As I reflected on this passage, my mind kept returning to Psalm 118. Again and again the psalmist repeats truths we need to hear:

โ€œThe Lord is on my side.โ€

โ€œThe Lord is my helper.โ€

โ€œThe Lord is my strength.โ€

โ€œHis steadfast love endures forever.โ€

The Christian life is not about becoming stronger versions of ourselves.

It is about learning to depend on the One who is already strong.

Unlike Samson, we do not need to rip city gates from their hinges and carry them up a mountain. We do not need to prove ourselves through our own strength.

Instead, we are invited to enter the gates of the Lord with thanksgiving, humility, and trust.

The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever.

And because it does, we can bring Him our whole hearts.

As I closed my Bible this morning, I realized that Samsonโ€™s story isnโ€™t only a warning for meโ€”itโ€™s a mirror.

Like Samson, I know what it is to crave being seen. I know what it is to long to be known, understood, chosen, and loved. There are days when I look to people for what I should first seek from God. Days when the approval of others feels more tangible than His presence. Days when I wish someone would notice the burdens I carry without me having to speak them aloud.

And if Iโ€™m being honest, sometimes the presence of the Lord doesnโ€™t feel like enough.

Not because He isnโ€™t enough, but because my heart is still learning to believe that He is.

That is part of living in a broken world. We were created for perfect fellowship with God, yet we live east of Eden, still feeling the ache of longing, loneliness, and unmet desires.

This morning I found myself praying:

โ€œLord, return to me the joy of my salvation. Remind me that You are my refuge and my strength. Teach me to wait patiently for You. When I am tempted to run to others for what can only be found in You, turn my heart back toward Your steadfast love. Hear my cry and turn to me. Let me find in You what I keep searching for everywhere else.โ€

The good news is that unlike Delilah, the Lord never betrays the heart that is entrusted to Him.

His steadfast love truly does endure forever.

Behold God, Not Me

Judges 12-13, Infertility, Idolatry, and the Deception of Sin

One of the things I love most about studying Godโ€™s Word verse by verse is that it often confronts me in places I didnโ€™t expect.

Recently, I found myself praying and talking with a friend about a struggle that has resurfaced many times throughout my life: infertility.

For twelve years, my husband and I prayed for a child. Then, in His kindness and perfect timing, God gave us Jackson. What a gift he has been. Yet as Jackson approaches eight years old, our family has not grown in the way I once assumed it would.

Like many women, I was told that once you have one child, having more often becomes easier. That has not been our story.

And if Iโ€™m honest, there are days when grief sneaks in.

I see beautiful growing families around me. I celebrate them sincerely because every child is a gift from God. Working in foster care has only deepened that conviction. There is not a single child I believe was born outside the knowledge and purpose of our good Father.

Yet sometimes I still find myself asking, โ€œLord, why?โ€

Why do some families grow effortlessly while others wait?

Why are some prayers answered quickly while others seem to linger unanswered?

As always, when I earnestly seek the Lord about the condition of my heart, He faithfully meets me in His Word.

Some Are Increased, Others Are Diminished

As I was studying the minor judges in Judges 12, I noticed an interesting contrast.

Ibzan had thirty sons and thirty daughters (Judges 12:9).

Earlier in Judges, Jair also had thirty sons.

Yet Jephthah had only one childโ€”a daughterโ€”and through his foolish vow and tragic actions, she never married and left no descendants.

Seventeenth-century commentator Matthew Henry observed:

โ€œSome are increased, others are diminished; both are the Lordโ€™s doing.โ€

Those words are not easy to accept.

Our hearts naturally want explanations.

We want formulas.

We want reasons.

We want to know why God gives one person abundance while another experiences loss.

Yet Scripture repeatedly reminds us that Godโ€™s wisdom exceeds our own.

Isaiah tells us:

โ€œFor my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.โ€ (Isaiah 55:8-9)

That was exactly the reminder my heart needed.

God knows what He is doing.

God knows me.

God knows what will bring Him glory.

God knows what will make me more like Christ.

And that must be enough.

The Forgotten Judges and the God Who Is Remembered

As I continued reading, I noticed something else.

The Bible gives us only a few details about Ibzan, Elon and Abdon. We learn how long they judged Israel. We learn a few facts about their families. Then their stories end.

At first glance, it almost feels unsatisfying.

We want more details.

We want their stories fully told.

But perhaps that discomfort reveals something about us.

Isnโ€™t that what we want for ourselves?

We want to leave a legacy.

We want to be remembered.

We want our stories to matter.

Yet Scripture consistently directs our attention elsewhere.

The Bible is not ultimately about human greatness.

It is about Godโ€™s greatness.

The focus of Scripture is not the lives of judges, kings, prophets, or even ordinary believers.

The focus is Christ.

Every page points to Him.

Even Abdonโ€™s wealth and the mention of his sons riding on donkeys subtly remind us of a greater King who would one day ride into Jerusalem on a donkey, fulfilling prophecy and declaring His kingship.

The judges fade into the background.

Christ remains.

And that leads me to ask an uncomfortable question:

Does my life say, โ€œBehold me,โ€ or โ€œBehold Godโ€?

Character profiles of the 3 Minor Judges discussed

The Beginning of the Final Cycle

As we enter Judges 13, we begin the final cycle of the book.

The chapter opens with familiar words:

โ€œAnd the people of Israel again did what was evil in the sight of the Lord.โ€

We have seen this refrain over and over throughout Judges.

The people sin.

God disciplines them.

They cry out.

God delivers them.

Then the cycle repeats.

Yet there is something particularly significant about this final occurrence.

The phrase โ€œevil in the sight of the Lordโ€ highlights a truth our culture desperately needs to hear.

Notice what the text does not say.

It does not say Israel did what was evil in their own eyes.

In fact, later in Judges we encounter another repeated phrase:

โ€œEveryone did what was right in his own eyes.โ€

The two statements are connected.

The Israelites did not wake up every morning thinking, โ€œToday I will rebel against God.โ€

They believed their choices were reasonable.

Understandable.

Justified.

Acceptable.

In their own eyes, much of their behavior probably seemed perfectly fine.

Yet God saw things differently.

And therein lies the danger.

What Is Sin?

This passage teaches us something foundational about sin.

Sin is not ultimately defined by my feelings.

Sin is not determined by cultural approval.

Sin is not established by majority opinion.

Sin is not measured by whether my conscience happens to bother me.

Sin is defined by God.

Something is sinful because it violates Godโ€™s will and Godโ€™s design.

This truth directly contradicts modern thinking.

Our culture continually tells us:

โ€œFollow your heart.โ€

โ€œLive your truth.โ€

โ€œYou define what is right for you.โ€

But Scripture says something very different.

If morality is determined only by personal perception, then no one can meaningfully condemn evil.

History itself demonstrates the flaw in that thinking.

People can sincerely believe terrible things.

Groups of people can collectively justify horrific actions.

Human perception is not a trustworthy standard.

Only God is.

The eyes that ultimately matter are not my eyes.

They are Godโ€™s.

The Deception of Sin

The second truth we learn is how deceptive sin really is.

The Israelites had convinced themselves they were fine.

They had explanations.

Rationalizations.

Justifications.

At the conscious level, everything seemed acceptable.

But beneath the surface, they had drifted far from God.

That should concern all of us because we are no different.

The most dangerous sins are often not the obvious ones.

The most dangerous sins are the ones we have learned to justify.

Pride.

Bitterness.

Materialism.

Worry.

Control.

Self-reliance.

These sins rarely look sinful in our own eyes.

And this is where the Lord began pressing on my own heart.

When Good Desires Become Ultimate Desires

As I thought about my longing for more children, I realized something uncomfortable.

The desire itself is not sinful.

Children are a blessing.

Family is a gift.

Wanting those things is good.

But good things become idols when they become ultimate things.

The line between loving something and worshiping something is often thinner than we realize.

And I began to wonder:

Had I crossed that line?

Had my desire for more children subtly become a demand?

Was I saying, โ€œGod, I know what would be best for my lifeโ€?

Was I acting as though Godโ€™s gifts were somehow insufficient?

Was I placing myself in the judgeโ€™s seat?

Because when I insist that God must give me what I want in order for His plan to be good, I am no longer trusting Him.

I am attempting to replace Him.

That is the essence of idolatry.

An idol is not always a bad thing.

More often, it is a good thing that has become an ultimate thing.

Tim Keller famously described idols as good things turned into god things.

Family can become an idol.

Ministry can become an idol.

Work can become an idol.

Even motherhood can become an idol.

Anything we place above trustful submission to God becomes a rival to Him.

As the Puritan Thomas Brooks wisely wrote:

โ€œSatan paints sin with virtueโ€™s colors.โ€

The idol never announces itself as an idol.

It disguises itself as wisdom.

Responsibility.

Love.

Good stewardship.

Common sense.

And before we realize it, our hearts have drifted.

Bible Study Notes

Behold God

That is why we must constantly evaluate ourselves through Scripture.

Not through culture.

Not through emotions.

Not through popular opinion.

Through Godโ€™s Word.

The Word reveals what our hearts often hide.

And when it does, our response should not be despair.

It should be worship.

Because the goal of our lives is not ultimately to get everything we want.

The goal is not to have our preferred story.

The goal is not even to be remembered.

The goal is to behold God.

The minor judges came and went.

Their stories occupy only a few verses.

Yet Godโ€™s purposes prevailed.

Their significance was not found in the size of their role.

It was found in the God who authored the story.

The same is true for us.

Whether God increases or diminishes.

Whether He gives or withholds.

Whether our stories look ordinary or extraordinary.

He remains worthy.

And so today, I find myself returning once again to Isaiah 55.

His ways are higher than my ways.

His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

He knows what is best.

He knows my heart.

He is trustworthy.

And when I preach that truth to myself, it changes everything.

Behold Him, not me.

When Broken People Read Scripture Wrong: Jephthah, Grace, and Learning to Read the Bible Carefully

There is something both comforting and deeply unsettling about the story of Jephthah in Judges 10โ€“11.

Comforting, because God uses a rejected and broken man.
Unsettling, because that same man carries distorted beliefs about God that lead to devastating consequences.

For many women learning to study Scripture faithfully โ€” especially young mothers, homeschool moms, women rebuilding after hardship, or believers new to the faith โ€” Jephthahโ€™s story becomes more than history. It becomes a mirror.

Because one of the hardest truths to learn as Christians is this:

We can know some truth about God while still misunderstanding Him deeply in other places.

And if we are not careful readers of Scripture, we can begin mixing biblical truth with cultural assumptions, personal wounds, fear, and worldly thinking.

That is exactly what happens in the life of Jephthah.


God Raises an Unlikely Savior

Jephthah is introduced in Judges 11 as a mighty warrior. But immediately we are told something painful about him:

He was the son of a prostitute.

His half-brothers drove him away from the family home, rejecting him and cutting him off from inheritance and belonging. He grew up as an outcast, living in the wilderness surrounded by what Scripture calls โ€œworthless fellowsโ€ โ€” essentially a band of violent men and raiders.

Humanly speaking, Jephthah is not the kind of man anyone would expect God to use.

And yet God does.

This is one of the repeated themes throughout the book of Judges: God continually rescues His people through deeply flawed deliverers.

Why?

Because the judges were never meant to be ultimate saviors. They were shadows pointing forward to the true Savior still to come โ€” Jesus Christ.

Jephthahโ€™s rejection points us toward Christ, who was also rejected by His own people.
Jephthahโ€™s suffering prepared him to lead hurting people.
His strength in battle reflected Israelโ€™s need for deliverance.

But unlike Jesus, Jephthah was deeply sinful and spiritually confused.

And Scripture does not hide that from us.

Character Profile

Learning Context Matters

One of the biggest mistakes new believers often make when reading the Bible is assuming that because the Bible describes something, God therefore approves of it.

But biblical narrative does not always equal biblical endorsement.

The book of Judges especially shows us what life looks like when โ€œeveryone did what was right in his own eyesโ€ (Judges 21:25).

The stories become darker and darker intentionally.

Judges is not simply recording heroic stories. It is showing the spiritual collapse of Israel when people drift from Godโ€™s Word.

That context matters tremendously when reading Jephthahโ€™s tragic vow.


Jephthahโ€™s Strength โ€” and His Blindness

Before battle with the Ammonites, Jephthah actually shows surprising wisdom.

Instead of immediately rushing into war, he first pursues peace. He sends messengers, reasons carefully through Israelโ€™s history, and presents legal, theological, and historical arguments explaining why the Ammonites are in the wrong.

This matters because it shows Jephthah was not merely a reckless brute. He understood leadership, diplomacy, and negotiation.

God had even shaped his painful background into useful strength.

His suffering formed resilience.
His exile formed toughness.
His wilderness years formed leadership.

Sometimes the hardest parts of our lives become the very places God uses most powerfully.

But giftedness is not the same thing as spiritual maturity.

And this is where careful Bible reading becomes so important.

Because right after displaying wisdom, Jephthah makes one of the most horrific vows in all of Scripture.

Judges 11 study notes

The Terrible Vow

Judges 11:29 says:

โ€œThen the Spirit of the Lord was upon Jephthahโ€ฆโ€

That detail matters.

God had already determined to give victory.

The outcome was never dependent on Jephthah bargaining with God.

Yet Jephthah vows that if God gives him victory, he will sacrifice whatever first comes from his house upon returning home.

And tragically, his daughter comes out first.

This is one of the moments where Christians must slow down and read carefully.

Some try to soften the text into something symbolic. Others suggest his daughter was merely devoted to lifelong service.

But the passage itself points toward something far darker and more tragic.

Why would Jephthah even make such a vow?

Because although he knew about God, he still thought about God in many pagan ways.

Study Notes Continued

When We Mix God With The World

The surrounding pagan cultures practiced human sacrifice. Their gods were viewed as beings who had to be manipulated, impressed, or bribed through extravagant offerings.

Jephthah had absorbed some of that thinking.

And if we are honest, we often do the same thing.

Not usually through violence or sacrifice โ€” but through worldly beliefs about success, beauty, money, relationships, motherhood, control, or worth.

We often say we believe graceโ€ฆ

Yet live as though Godโ€™s love must constantly be earned.

We assume:

  • God will love us more if we perform better.
  • God is pleased only when we are productive.
  • Godโ€™s blessing depends entirely on our perfection.
  • Rest must be earned.
  • Weakness disqualifies us.

That is not the gospel.

And that is why studying Scripture carefully matters.

Because if we are not rooted deeply in Godโ€™s Word, culture will disciple us instead.

Romans 12:2 warns:

โ€œDo not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.โ€

Jephthahโ€™s tragedy is not merely that he made a foolish vow.

It is that he fundamentally misunderstood the character of God.


Grace Is Harder To Believe Than Rules

Perhaps the saddest part of the story is this:

Even after realizing the horror of his vow, Jephthah still seems unable to trust Godโ€™s mercy enough to repent and stop.

Why?

Because he does not truly understand grace.

He seems trapped by fear โ€” believing God must be appeased rather than trusted.

And honestly, many believers live there too.

Grace feels unsafe to us.

We would often rather manage God through rules than trust Him relationally.

But the gospel tells us something radically different:

Godโ€™s favor cannot be bought.

The Father already decided to rescue His people long before Jephthah made his vow. Likewise, Christ came for sinners before we cleaned ourselves up.

Jesus is the better Judge.

Where Jephthah sacrificed his daughter because of his sinful misunderstanding, God the Father willingly gave His own Son out of perfect love and perfect wisdom to save sinners.

One sacrifice brought death through human sin.
The other brought life through divine grace.


How Do We Read Scripture Faithfully?

Stories like this teach us several important principles for Bible study:

1. Read passages in context

Never isolate verses from the larger story of Scripture.

2. Distinguish description from approval

The Bible often records sinful actions honestly without endorsing them.

3. Let clearer passages interpret difficult ones

Scripture already clearly condemns human sacrifice elsewhere.

4. Study Godโ€™s character across the whole Bible

One distorted view of God can shape an entire life wrongly.

5. Read humbly

Every culture has blind spots. We need Scripture constantly correcting us.


A Final Encouragement For Christian Women

If you are new to studying Scripture, please do not be discouraged by difficult passages like this.

Lean into them.

Some of the deepest growth happens when we slow down, ask questions, study context, and allow Scripture to reshape how we think about God.

The goal of Bible study is not merely gathering information.

It is learning to know the Lord rightly.

And that matters because what we believe about God shapes everything:

  • how we mother,
  • how we endure suffering,
  • how we handle failure,
  • how we rest,
  • how we repent,
  • and how we love others.

Jephthahโ€™s story is tragic.

But even tragedies in Scripture are gracious warnings meant to draw us closer to the true Savior โ€” the One who does not manipulate, crush, or abandon His people, but lovingly redeems them through grace.

Bible Study Principles

When Success Becomes More Dangerous Than Failure

Lessons from Gideon for Christian Women Seeking Faithfulness

โ€œWe need to remember we are saved by grace when we fail, but we need to remember it much more when we succeed.โ€ โ€” Tim Keller

The last few days in my verse-by-verse study through the book of Book of Judges have pressed this truth deeply into my heart.

When we think of spiritual danger, we often think of failure. Falling into sin. Wandering from God. Seasons of weakness. But Gideonโ€™s story reminds us that success may actually be the greater threat to our souls.

God Reduced the Army by 99%

When Gideon marched into battle against Midian, he did not go in strong.

He went in weak.

God intentionally reduced Gideonโ€™s army from thousands down to only 300 men. The Lord stripped away every earthly reason Israel could boast in themselves.

What power there is in that truth.

Imagine what God can do with one percent.

In the Book of Judges, chapter 7, the Israelites marched into battle not with military strength, but with trumpets, jars, and torches. And when the jars shattered and the trumpets sounded, the Lord caused the enemy camp to turn against itself.

The battle belonged entirely to God.

Gideon should have walked away from that battlefield saying:

โ€œThis victory was the Lordโ€™s. My role was simply to trust and obey.โ€

And honestly, I understand this personally.

Recently, in my own work advocating for vulnerable children and families, I found myself sitting at a table with attorneys, professionals, and a judge. I come from a background very different from many of my peers. I was raised in poverty and abuse. I do not have prestigious credentials or a polished rรฉsumรฉ.

What I do have is a testimony.

I know the power of God.

And when the Lord allows even a small victory in my work, I have to consciously preach the gospel back to myself:

โ€œThis did not come from me.โ€

God uses what is weak to shame what is strong.

At the end of our lunch together, everyone stood to leave, and there was an unspoken assumption that I would clean the table and bus the dishes.

The world would call that offensive.

Pride would say:
โ€œYou deserve more honor than this.โ€

But as I carried the dishes away, I sensed the quiet kindness of God reminding me:

โ€œThis is good for you.โ€

And truly, it was.

Because humility guards the heart in ways success never can.

Serving keeps us close to Christ.

Gideon Forgot What Grace Had Done

As we move into chapter 8, Gideon begins changing.

And the shift is subtle at first.

When the tribe of Ephraim complains that Gideon did not call them into battle sooner, Gideon answers diplomatically and gently. He calms their anger with humility.

At first glance, this looks godly.

But the next interaction reveals something deeper.

When the towns of Succoth and Penuel refuse to help Gideonโ€™s exhausted men, Gideon erupts in anger and vengeance. He threatens punishment. Later, after his victory, he returns and carries out brutal revenge against his own people.

Why the different response?

Because Ephraim wounded Gideonโ€™s pride gently.

Succoth and Penuel wounded it directly.

And suddenly we begin to see that Gideonโ€™s heart has shifted from dependence on God to dependence on his own honor.

The man who once hid in a winepress trembling now expects recognition.

The man who once begged God for reassurance now lashes out when others do not respect him.

Success revealed what was already growing in Gideonโ€™s heart.

The Danger of Spiritual Success

There is a terrible danger in success.

Not because success itself is sinful, but because our hearts are desperate to believe we earned it.

We begin by thanking God for the victory.

Then slowly we begin protecting our reputation.

Defending our influence.

Needing recognition.

Wanting respect.

And before long, we are no longer serving Godโ€™s kingdom.

We are building our own.

Gideon forgot that God called him.
God equipped him.
God reassured him.
God won the battle.

And sisters, we forget too.

We forget that every good work we do was prepared beforehand by God.

We forget that faithfulness itself is grace.

We forget that motherhood, ministry, leadership, hospitality, encouragement, advocacy, teaching, and service are not trophies we earned, but gifts we were entrusted with.

Ephesians 2:8-10

โ€œFor by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.โ€

Key Takeaways

We Still Build Ephods

One of the saddest moments in Gideonโ€™s story comes after he refuses kingship.

Outwardly, Gideon says the right thing:

โ€œThe Lord will rule over you.โ€

But immediately afterward, Gideon begins living like a king anyway.

He gathers wealth.
He elevates himself.
He creates an ephod that becomes a snare to Israel.

In other words:
he rejected the title while embracing the glory.

And if we are honest, we often do the same.

We say:
โ€œAll glory to God.โ€

But inwardly we crave recognition.

We want to be the one people admire.
The one people need.
The one people look to for answers.

Ministry can quietly become self-salvation.

Motherhood can become identity worship.

Even serving others can become another way of trying to prove our worth.

We still build ephods.

Look to the Better Judge

But Gideon was never meant to be the final deliverer.

Like every judge in Scripture, he points us forward to a better Savior:
Jesus Christ.

Unlike Gideon, Jesus did not use His authority to demand honor.

Though He was King, He came as a servant.

Though He deserved glory, He washed feet.

Though He had every right to be exalted, He humbled Himself to death on a cross.

Jesus Christ did not come to be served, but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many.

And because of that, we are finally free.

Free from needing applause.
Free from proving ourselves.
Free from being crushed by failure.
Free from becoming intoxicated by success.

The gospel liberates us from both pride and despair.

A Final Encouragement

Friend, maybe God has recently given you victory in some area of life.

Maybe your marriage is flourishing.
Maybe ministry is growing.
Maybe motherhood feels fruitful.
Maybe people are finally recognizing your gifts.

Praise God for those things! Success can either deepen worship or feed self-glory.

It is well for us to serve.
It is well for us to be humbled.
It is well for us to remember that we are creatures, not the Creator.

So today, ask yourself:

  1. Are there areas of my life where I am subtly seeking honor that belongs to God alone?
  2. And how does the servant-heartedness of Christ free me from turning success into self-salvation?

May we never forget:
the victory belongs to the Lord.

When Summer Doesnโ€™t Feel Free: Autism, Routine, Grief, and the Goodness of God

Honest thoughts after another sleepless nightโ€ฆ

Jackson had been hopping, running, flapping, vocalizing, and moving almost nonstop for over twenty-four hours. The kind of movement that tells me his little nervous system is trying so hard to regulate itself. The kind of exhaustion that settles deep into a motherโ€™s bones because even while your body is tired, your mind never fully rests.

And somewhere between the pacing and the praying last night, I found myself thinking about this season weโ€™re stepping into again.

Summer.

Or at least the version of summer families like ours experience.

Because summer feels different when you parent a child with autism.

For many families, summer means freedom. Later bedtimes. Road trips. Ballgames. Camping trips. Pool days. Spontaneous outings. Relaxed schedules. A temporary release from structure so families can collect memories and enjoy the break from routine.

But for many autism families, routine cannot simply disappear because the school year ended.

Routine is not just preference here.
It is safety.
It is regulation.
It is emotional predictability.
It is the framework that helps a childโ€™s nervous system feel secure enough to function.

And when routine breaks down, often so does everything else with it.

There can be dysregulation, sleep disruption, sensory overload, anxiety, meltdowns, setbacks, confusion, exhaustion, and a deep unraveling in areas where progress had finally begun to bloom.

So while the world around us seems to exhale in the summer, many of us grip tighter just trying to hold peace together inside our homes.

And if Iโ€™m being honest?

Sometimes that feels lonely.

I watch families around us living a version of motherhood that often feels inaccessible to me right now. I see kids Jackson once sat beside in classrooms now thriving in sports, making friendships effortlessly, gaining independence naturally, trying new experiences confidently.

I see younger children surpassing milestones my son is still fighting hard to reach.

And there is a grief in that I donโ€™t think people talk about enough.

Not because I am bitter.
Not because I am not genuinely happy for them.
Not because I would trade my son for another child.

I adore my son.

But because motherhood inside special needs parenting carries a very specific tension:
you can be deeply grateful while simultaneously grieving.

Both can exist at the same time.

I can clap for your child while quietly crying in the bathroom later because I wish some things came easier for mine.

And I think pretending otherwise helps no one.

Jackson is seven now.

There are things he does today that once felt impossible. Things some children with autism may never fully accomplish independently. Every single victory matters to us because we understand what it cost him to get there.

But autism is complex.

A child can read above level while struggling with emotional regulation.
A child can memorize entire songs but not communicate their needs clearly.
A child can appear socially engaged one moment and completely dysregulated the next.
A child can seem โ€œhigh functioningโ€ to outsiders while privately struggling with things typical toddlers navigate with ease.

And that complexity is often misunderstood.

When people see capability in one area, they assume capability must exist everywhere else too.

So when it doesnโ€™t, the response is often criticism instead of curiosity.

Judgment instead of compassion.

Assumptions instead of questions.

And what hurts sometimes is not even the hard itself.

We can do hard things with Christ.

What hurts is feeling unseen inside the hard.

What hurts is when people stop extending understanding the moment autism doesnโ€™t look like what they expected it to look like.

Because autism is not always obvious.
And it is rarely linear.

There are days Jackson seems years ahead in one area and years behind in another all at once.

There are days he thrives beautifully.
And there are days where every small task feels impossibly hard.

Both are true.

I think thatโ€™s why I love the way Jesus interacted with hurting people in Scripture.

He noticed people others overlooked.

The weary.
The isolated.
The misunderstood.
The parents carrying invisible burdens.
The people sitting quietly on the edges of the crowd hoping someone would see them.

Jesus never seemed uncomfortable with complicated pain.

And honestly, that comforts me deeply because autism parenting is complicated pain sometimes.

Beautiful pain.
Holy pain.
Refining pain.
But still pain.

There are moments I desperately need someone to remind me:
Jackson is doing beautifully.
Progress does not have to look typical to matter.
God is not absent in delayed milestones.
And our future is not hopeless simply because it is unknown.

Because the truth isโ€”we simply do not know yet what Jacksonโ€™s future will fully look like.

Autism is not something you simply โ€œoutgrow.โ€

Can therapies help? Absolutely.
Can support systems help? Yes.
Can growth happen? Of course.

But autism is also a neurological difference that impacts the way a person experiences, processes, communicates, regulates, and interacts with the world.

And long-term outcomes are not always predictable.

That uncertainty can feel heavy as a parent.

Especially when the world keeps measuring children against timelines.

But lately God keeps reminding me:
He is not asking Jackson to become someone else.

And He is not asking me to parent someone elseโ€™s story.

Psalm 139 says God knit Jackson together intentionally.

Not accidentally.
Not mistakenly.
Not as an afterthought.

Intentionally.

And that means even the areas that feel hard to me are still fully seen by God.

The hidden victories matter to Him.

The sensory recoveries.
The flexibility after disruption.
The moments of connection.
The brave transitions.
The hard-earned words.
The regulation after overwhelm.
The trust.
The growth.
The trying again.

God sees all of it.

And maybe that is why I keep returning to dependence.

Because autism parenting has stripped away my illusion of control in so many ways.

It has taught me how desperately I need Christ daily.

Not the polished version of faith.
Not the social media version.
Not the โ€œeverything is inspiring all the timeโ€ version.

Real dependence.

The kind where you pray through meltdowns.
The kind where you cry in the bathroom and then walk back out anyway.
The kind where you celebrate tiny victories nobody else would notice.
The kind where you trust God with a future you cannot clearly picture.

And maybe that dependence itself is holy.

Maybe God is forming something eternal in us through this life we would not have chosen ourselves.

Our family may not look like everyone elseโ€™s family.
Our summers may not look like everyone elseโ€™s summers.
Our journey may not follow the timeline culture expects.

But our story is not less beautiful because it is different.

And to the special needs moms quietly carrying all of this too:

I see you.

God sees you.

Your child is not behind in the eyes of the One who created them.

Your exhaustion is not weakness.
Your grief is not failure.
Your longing does not cancel your gratitude.
And your hard is not unseen by God.

Keep showing up.

Keep loving deeply.

Keep trusting Jesus in the uncertainty.

And keep celebrating every single victory no matter how small the world thinks it is.

Because heaven notices things this world overlooks all the time.

When Faith Feels Weak: What Gideon Teaches Us About Knowing God Through His Word

Are We Letting Scripture Shape Us?

One of the greatest dangers for Christians today is not always outright rebellion against Godโ€”it is slowly drifting into a faith where our emotions, assumptions, culture, and personal experiences begin shaping our understanding of Him more than His Word does.

This can happen so subtly.

We stop opening our Bibles consistently. We rely more on inspirational content than Scripture itself. We begin approaching God through our feelings instead of allowing His truth to inform our hearts. And before long, we can find ourselves asking questions about God that reveal just how little we truly know of His character.

This is exactly why the story of Gideon in Book of Judges chapter 6 is so encouraging for weary believers, young women in the faith, busy mothers, and even mature Christians who may have grown distant from daily time in Godโ€™s Word.

Because Gideonโ€™s story is not ultimately about a brave manโ€”it is about a gracious God who patiently reveals Himself to weak and fearful people.


โ€œIf God Is Really With Usโ€ฆโ€

When we first meet Gideon in Judges 6, Israel is suffering under Midianite oppression because they had abandoned the Lord and turned toward false gods.

Gideonโ€™s response to the angel of the Lord sounds strikingly familiar:

โ€œPlease, my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us?โ€
โ€” Judges 6:13

How many of us have quietly asked the same question?

If God is with me, why is motherhood so exhausting? Why does suffering continue? Why does obedience feel costly? Why does life feel heavy? Why are prayers unanswered?

Gideon struggled to reconcile his circumstances with the promises of God. Yet what is remarkable is that God does not respond harshly to Gideonโ€™s weakness.

Instead, the Lord answers:

โ€œGo in this might of yoursโ€ฆ do not I send you?โ€
โ€” Judges 6:14

God was already at work accomplishing His purposes through a man who felt weak, fearful, and inadequate.

And that should deeply encourage us.

Because throughout Scripture, God has never required perfect strength from His people before using them. He calls us to trust Him in the midst of our weakness.


God Reveals Himself to Weak Faith

One of the most comforting parts of this chapter is seeing how patient God is with Gideon.

After encountering the angel of the Lord, Gideon becomes afraid and believes he may die. But the Lord reassures him:

โ€œPeace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.โ€
โ€” Judges 6:23

The Lord was not pushing Gideon away because his faith was weak. He was drawing him closer.

This matters because many Christians wrongly assume that struggling believers are immediately met with frustration from God. But throughout Scripture we repeatedly see the Lord patiently strengthening weak faith.

That does not mean God celebrates unbelief. But it does mean He is compassionate toward those who genuinely desire to know Him and trust Him more fully.


Before Public Victory Came Private Obedience

After comforting Gideon, God gives him a difficult command.

In Judges 6:25โ€“26, Gideon is told to tear down his fatherโ€™s altar to Baal, cut down the Asherah pole beside it, and build an altar to the Lord in its place.

This was a bold act of obedience.

The bull being sacrificed symbolized devotion to Baal, the false god Israel had been worshiping. By tearing down these idols, Gideon publicly declared that the gods Israel trusted were powerless.

But before God would use Gideon to deliver Israel publicly, Gideon first had to obey privately.

And honestly, this is where many of us struggle too.

Sometimes the idols in our lives are not obvious statues or pagan altars. Sometimes they are comfort, control, approval from others, entertainment, political identity, self-sufficiency, busyness, or even our own feelings.

When we neglect Godโ€™s Word long enough, we slowly begin creating a version of God that fits our preferences rather than submitting ourselves to who He truly is.

Scripture was never meant to conform to us.

We are meant to be conformed by Scripture.


What About Gideon and the Fleece?

One of the most misunderstood parts of Gideonโ€™s story is the sign of the fleece in Judges 6:36โ€“40.

Many people use this passage to justify asking God for random signs:

โ€œLord, if you want me to take this job, let someone call me today.โ€

But Tim Keller points out in Judges For You that Gideon was not asking for vague personal signs to help him make ordinary decisions.

Gideon was specifically asking God to reveal His nature.

Baal was believed to be a storm and fertility god tied to nature. Gideonโ€™s request involving dew and dry ground was actually asking God to demonstrate that He alone was sovereign over creation itself.

Gideonโ€™s faith was weak, but his questioning was leading him toward a deeper understanding of who God truly was.

That distinction matters.

Because there is a difference between demanding signs from God out of unbelief and asking God to strengthen weak faith through greater understanding of His character.


We Have What Gideon Longed For

One of the most humbling realities in this passage is recognizing that Gideon did not have what believers today possess.

He did not have the completed Word of God.

He did not know Christ as we do now.

He did not have the ordinary means of grace God has given the Church through Scripture, Christian fellowship, baptism, and the Lordโ€™s Supper.

Hebrews 1:1โ€“2 says:

โ€œLong ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last he has spoken to us by his Sonโ€ฆโ€

Gideonโ€™s request was to help build up his faith. God in his Grace responded twice and when we make the same request – God graciously responds by pointing us to the fullest and final revelation of his character and his purposes – the Lord Jesus.

When we find ourselves doubting Godโ€™s promises or Godโ€™s presence, we can ask him to point us again to his son saying, โ€œI do believe help me overcome my unbeliefโ€ (Mark 924). This is what Gideon needed and received. God will do the same for us.

Are there parts of your life today where you need to ask God to point you to his son so that you can trust more fully in His promises?

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